Handling Grief During the Holidays

The holidays hit a little differently as you get older, don’t they? The joy of the season, filled with festive parties, end-of-year celebrations, and plans for the new year can often mask what’s really going inside your head and your heart.

For example, my Christmas list this year was pretty simple:

Dear Santa,

This Christmas, I would like my grandmother back. If that can’t happen, please leave bourbon. The good stuff. And don’t touch the cookies.

Yes, like so many others right now, I’m learning how to handle grief during the holidays.

Dealing with Grief During the Holidays

My grandmother Cissy died unexpectedly and tragically over the summer. She was a big part of my life growing up and remained active in my life and my children’s lives, even as she was pushing 90. Her death has broken my heart.

Dealing with grief isn’t easy for anyone, but trying to process all the strong feelings that come with losing a loved one, on top of needing to be merry and create happy holiday memories for my kids? This year has been a challenge, to put it mildly. Add in the pressures of work and the chaos of 2021 (Winter Storm Uri, anyone?), and I’ll be honest in saying that, at times, my emotions have gotten the better of me.

But six months in, I’m finally starting to get a little clarity. For one thing, while I know that losing a loved one is not unique, my grief is my own, and everyone’s journey is different. If you’re coping with your own loss, know that you are free to process your grief as you see fit, so long as you’re not harming yourself or others. I’ve discovered a few different ways of processing my grief that balances what I need for me with what I can emotionally give to others.

Naming My Emotions

Back in college, I volunteered at the local crisis center. One of the many things they trained us on was helping someone be very specific about the emotions they felt and why.

I feel [BLANK] because [BLANK].

The grieving process is an emotional roller coaster, and pictures, specifically, can be the Texas Tornado. Thanks to the wonder that is Google Photos, I was reminded today that exactly one year ago, my grandmother was here, in my home, marveling at my holiday decorations and listening with rapt attention to everything my then six-year-old had to say. Gut punch.

Taking the time to stop and name my emotions has been helpful when my feelings are too much. It has also been immensely helpful for my husband, who wants to help, but often doesn’t know how when he stumbles on me crying on the couch surrounded by old Christmas cards and memories.

I feel SAD because she’s no longer here and I won’t be getting a Christmas card from her.

I feel HAPPY because we have so many great memories of her time with us.

Focus on What Makes Me Happy—Not Busy

Not overextending yourself should be a priority in life regardless of what you’re going through. But when it’s the holidays? And you’re trying to suppress feelings of intense sadness? Well, I confess, I initially thought I should say “yes” to everything.

One of the things I said “yes” to was hosting a cookie-decorating party for my daughter and her friends. Ultimately, the party turned out great. But there was a brief moment of panic when I realized that we had four separate events planned in that three-day period.

Knowing that things could get overwhelming quickly, I avoided stress by focusing on the elements I really enjoyed: talking with old friends and being honest about what I was going through; meeting new neighbors without putting too much pressure on myself to impress; putting up just enough Christmas decorations to make the house festive—and leaving the other dozen holiday decorations in the garage; and finally making (and drinking) brandy milk punch.

And then, as other events came up, I was more selective when I said “yes.” Because when you’re grieving, sometimes the best gift of the season is letting yourself feel joy and sadness without the burden of rushing out the door.

Talking to My Doctor

I’m lucky that two of my best friends are trained therapists, who can listen to me cry without judgment or the need to “fix” me. But after a few months, they were both very clear: I needed to talk to my doctor about whether or not antidepressants were right for me.

This one was a hard one to accomplish. Besides the usual challenges of finding a doctor and scheduling an appointment, what would I even say? As I prepared for my appointment, a song from one of my favorite shows Crazy Ex-Girlfriend kept running through my head: “Antidepressants Are So Not a Big Deal.” (Do yourself a favor and watch it.)

I talked to my doctor and was honest. We made a plan, and I made a decision that was right for me. If you’re struggling with grief, especially over the holidays when everyone else seems to be merry and bright, certain prescriptions or therapies may be right for you. Or they may not. But you owe it to yourself to find out.

Guardian Angels are Better than Elves

Being an adult means you know Santa can’t bring you everything you want. But you also know it’s going to be ok. For me, I know he can’t give me my grandmother back because she’s now the official guardian angel of her grand- and great-grandchildren.

Whenever I drop off the kids in the morning, I know she’s looking after them. If I have a challenge at work, I know she’ll help me through it. When I need to throw a cookie- decorating party, I know she’ll inspire me. And if I need help making it through my first holiday season without her? Well, let’s just say grief is easier to handle when you’ve got someone watching over you (that’s not an Elf on the Shelf!).