On my son’s fourth birthday, I was overcome with the feeling of wanting change for myself, for my body, for my mind, for my family. I knew that becoming a mom would consume me. I do not think I ever truly understood or could know just how much. It is an amazing feeling to be the “thing” that your family relies on.
But it is also exhausting and with each passing day the person you were before kids changes and molds into the mom you are now. Being a mom is something I will forever cherish and be so thankful that I get to experience. So four years down the path of motherhood I knew that I needed to figure out how the “Pre-Kid” Julie and the “Post-Kid” Julie could work together to make the me that is mom, but also the me that is fully myself!
As my oldest son neared his fourth birthday and I came out of the baby fog from my third baby, I realized that I wanted to find who I was again. I know it is very stereotypical, but for me I knew it meant that I needed to face the FIVE years of being pregnant and nursing. I knew I didn’t need a “perfect” (whatever that is) body to find myself. But I did need to know that I was taking care of my “perfect for me” body. So on the day my son turned four, I walked into a Weight Watchers meeting and decided that I needed help.
I have played sports, I have worked out, I have been on a yoyo of weight loss and gain for as long as I can remember. I have always been an active person, but I have also always been a person who uses food to process things. I have done yoga for over a decade and one day I hope to put the time in and get my 200, maybe even 500 hours, and become an instructor. Right now my role as mom doesn’t allow the time.
I knew that I could be more than what I saw myself as and I am proud to say that I have been working on it every day since. It doesn’t come down to a number lost for me, it comes down to what I have gained elsewhere. Lately, I have gained an understanding and compassion towards myself that is irreplaceable and I will forever be grateful for that.
This journey to finding myself reminds me of doing a puzzle or Legos with my kids. This me is someone I need to create out of the balance of all of the versions of myself there have been. I was a wife before kids, and I will be a wife after kids are out of the house. The me I am trying to find wants her family to know just how important they are and that will always be her priority. Here’s what I want my family to know as I rediscover myself:
She is very much on a journey to discovery. She knows that not every day will be a magical day of empowerment and high fives. She knows some days she will struggle to make time for herself. She will feel guilty at least four times a day because she yelled, lost her patience, went to dinner with girlfriends, put her kids in the childcare for an hour of peace, or forgot to wash those favorite socks. She will embrace the guilt and remind herself that she is doing a great job and she will be proud of herself. Because she knows she is worth it. She knows that being her families “relied upon thing” is so dang important that she never wants to take it for granted. But she knows she has to make time for herself and know who she is so she can be that person for her people.
I hope this look into my very unfinished journey to finding myself gives you the virtual hug and high five that you so deserve, mama! You are doing an amazing, incredible job. And don’t forget to be proud of you, too!
