The term “beyond toxic” may seem dramatic to anyone who has not lived through a similar situation with their in laws. For the better part of the last decade, I have felt helpless and alone in my battle to put healthy boundaries in place with my unhealthy in laws.
I hope that by sharing my story, anyone going through a similar situation can be spared some of the heartaches that I experienced.
Last month, as I watched the Oprah interview with Meghan and Harry, I realized how much I shared with Meghan. Please don’t get me wrong, I am no Meghan Markle, and the family I married into is anything but royalty, but still, similarities in the emotional situation abound.
I was not who my in laws wanted for their cowboy son. Everyone else thinks they walk on water; pastor of their local church, and an RN/writer/blogger respectively in their tiny Central Texas town, they are royalty of their own kind. I identified with Meghan in that I know what it feels like to stand in the room with your future husband’s family and have them all ignore you and make fun of your background in front of you.
When things were really bad in the first year-and-a-half of my marriage, I googled and googled trying to find answers to what I should do with in laws. I just wanted to read the comforting words of a stranger who had been through a similar situation, but I never found anything. I think most people in this type of situation were afraid to speak out for fear that it would make things worse. That’s why I knew this article needed to be written, so those who are searching for comfort will know that they are not alone.
No Random “Drop-In” Visits
For my mental health, I had to put this boundary in place early on. I need to have a few days warning if I am going to be subjected to the strain on my mental health that is seeing my in-laws so that I can work through strategies and be better prepared. When we were first married, we lived in Wyoming and now we live three hours from them, so for the most part, this doesn’t happen.
Open Lines of Communication Regarding Conversations with In-Laws
At times in our marriage, I felt like my husband was keeping things his mother would say to him and the conversation that they had because he wanted to protect me. We had to come to the agreement that I needed to know if I was the topic of their conversation…not every detail, but a brief understanding.
Nothing with Our Kids Alone
We had to put this firm boundary in place when our eldest was born for my peace of mind. My in laws are not left with our kids alone for more than a few minutes. This is a rule I hope can change with time and healing of our relationship but one I am comfortable with having for now. We also have a policy that, with few exceptions, both my husband and I need to be present with them if our kids are around.
Social Media
This is a big one. When things were really bad at the beginning, every time I would open Facebook, I would get a tightness in my chest and a sick feeling in my stomach because I knew I would more than likely see a post from one of my in-laws talking about how perfect their life and their children were. I had to deactivate my Facebook and delete the Instagram app from my phone for the better part of a year while my husband and I dealt with things more healthily. This is extreme and completely up to you, in retrospect I probably allowed them to have more power than they should have when it comes to my social media presence.
Holidays
We do not spend Christmas with my in-laws. Pure and simple. Our wedding anniversary is two days after Christmas and being around them the week of our anniversary triggers some very bad memories I have of them leading up to our wedding. Other holidays are up for debate. We usually do not spend any with in-laws for the well-being of our mental health.
Counseling
Since before we were married, my husband and I have been seeing the same therapist. As you can imagine, toxic in-laws cause major strain on a relationship. This is the single best thing that we did and continue to do to put healthy boundaries in place with in-laws.
I hope a few of these tips can help you if you are struggling with toxic in-laws too. You are not alone.
