“I had everything, and I was absolutely broken inside. I kept it all together enough to where I would never let you down, but I kept it too much together to where I let myself down.” This was a snippet from Selena Gomez’s acceptance speech from an awards show five years ago, and it plays in my mind constantly.
When I met my son’s father, we were just 17 and 18 years old. It was my first serious relationship, and I was in a pit of inconsistency and brokenness in my own home. I craved happiness and stability in a relationship and family so much that I threw my own personal goals and overall well being out the window. Just like a lot of us out there, I wanted a picture-perfect lifestyle, that “white-picket-fence American Dream”. I was convinced that happiness is obtaining some sort of goal that ‘most people’ dream about.
I was an honor’s graduate, involved in any and every extracurricular activity, from cheerleading to showing cattle in the FFA. I was the Regional President & State Vice President of a national student-led organization. I worked three jobs at the same time at one point, all while trying to be your average high school senior. I had my life in front of me, with a load of supporters cheering me on, ready to see what successful thing I did next in life.
But I let myself go. I was broken, burnt out, depressed, and just wanted to be happy. I was tired of running myself into the ground trying to get where I wanted to be and tired of not being there yet. I just wanted to be loved and find the happiness that was lacking in my life. I was convinced that getting into a relationship was the next right step. I found someone, we seemed to like each other, we both wanted to work hard and “get rich” while having a nice family, so why not just jump right in and get started?
I threw the typical college experience to the curb when I became pregnant the second semester of my freshman year. I ended my freshman year with only 10 passing hours out of the 32 I attempted. I quit. I felt worthless and didn’t see my purpose anymore. I guessed my new calling was to be a mom and maintain the home life, right? It was a struggle. I knew deep down I wanted to be that inspirational wealthy and successful businesswoman I envisioned at 17, but it just seemed like a lost hope at this point. I dropped out of college and immediately went to work while pregnant.
I ended up getting engaged two months before my son was born, and now had to figure out how to be a “wife” and a “mother”, neither of which I had a clue about. My son’s father and I worked hard to create a happy life, while neglecting ourselves and our relationship with each other. We ran ourselves to fumes trying to “keep up with the Joneses.” We became obsessed with the way people portrayed us.
We welcomed our baby boy to the world and my postpartum depression hit like no other. It was hard. It was lonely. My body was no longer the same. My days were spent running on four hours of sleep, covered in bodily fluids, singing Baby Shark on repeat. I would constantly wonder, “Why does everyone tell me motherhood is glorious and the best thing ever”? This seemed like the furthest thing from it. If I could preach anything, it was that throwing a baby into your already unhappy, immature relationship is not going to make things easier.
I was desperate to salvage my newly formed family, and I’d ask myself, “How could we make this better?” Unfortunately, “Let’s go purchase stuff to make it look like we’ve got it together” became the new mentality. $300 Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse dinners, Don Julio 1942 tequila bottles, $80,000 vehicles, nothing but name-brand clothes and shoes filled our closets, organic and all-natural foods stocked the pantry and fridge, taking vacations that cost us thousands. I had it all. Everyone thought my life was so great and that I had it made, when in reality, I was broken inside.
I was so lost and wrapped up in trying to “look” like I had it all while trying to force myself to be happy, that I forgot who I was anymore. Everyone constantly commented on how impressed they were by my lifestyle for a 21 year old. What they didn’t know was I was at rock bottom. I was mad at myself for throwing away my college experience and living the “normal” 20-year-old life. I wanted so badly to be a regular kid again with no responsibilities.
In the spring of 2020, during COVID lockdown, I realized enough was enough. I needed to change. This route I chose to take in life wasn’t the answer. Then it hit me. True happiness is found within yourself, and not in other people or materialistic things. It was in that moment that I realized, nobody really, truly, has it all together. Slowly but surely, day by day, I dug myself out, one baby step at a time. If COVID-19 taught me anything, it was that life is short, and everything can change in the blink of an eye.
As tough of a decision as it was, I ended my relationship with my son’s father. It was time that I realized that both he and I needed to work on ourselves in order to be the best parents we could be for our son. I went back to school and completed my Associates degree in General Business. I took on a new job to get headed back in the right direction on my career path, and I made a major move across the state to get a fresh start by myself.
It was truly the best thing that ever happened to me. It took me almost five years to find myself again.
There are two great days in a person’s life. The day you are born, and the day you discover why.
My new mentality in life is “to be present over perfect”. Take the time to stop and smell the roses. Look up from your phone and the fake lives that are plastered all over social media. No matter how far gone you may feel, it’s never too late to start over and chase your dreams. Put yourself first. Your child deserves a happy parent. Life is short, so make it sweet.
