Raising a Highly Sensitive Child: What To Look For and Strategies to Cope

I lamented this week about how if my youngest daughter could, she’d crawl back into my womb where she’d feel connected, warm and cozy once again. Of course, not possible, but this means I’m touched, grabbed, poked, and prodded often. My daughter requests that my attention be solely on her, watching her, smiling at her, giving her loving feedback, and essentially making sure she is the center of my world.

My highly sensitive child is not my only child. Plus, I’m a working mom who owns a busy counseling practice, so my schedule doesn’t permit me to just gaze lovingly into the eyes of my daughter and give her precious, needed feedback at every turn. Trust me, I’ve tried! I’ve spent days thinking, “Today is the day! I’m going to devote every ounce of attention and time I have to this child until her cup runneth over.” But guess what? Her cup will never runneth over.

Having a Highly Sensitive Child is a thing. Sensitive people have some specific traits, and need to learn how to funnel all that pent-up energy. You might have a highly sensitive child if your child is:

• Affected by, and soaks in, other people’s emotions and moods
• Easily overwhelmed by bright lights, scratchy fabrics, strong smells or other activity or stimulation in the environment
• Highly intuitive and conscientious (i.e. seems to “get” other’s emotions are deeply empathetic)
• Moved by art and music
• Seen as shy or sensitive by others
• A deep thinker and asks big questions about life
• A deep feeler, using feeling words others his or her age don’t yet use
• Clever with his or her sense of humor

My girl can become so excited, she moves at rapid-fire pace, eyes darting around, body bouncing all over the place. She is super sensitive and is easily offended by other’s tone or words. When a friend declares, as young friends do, “I don’t want to play that game,” it will send my child into a negative, depressive, crying spiral, feeling as if she’s been deeply wounded by some horrible, earth-shattering revelation about life.

Teachers have often pointed out her large vocabulary for feelings, too. She will say what she feels quite easily, for example, “I feel really frustrated by how that girl was acting,” or “My insides are so excited!” which isn’t typical for a five- or seven-year-old.

My daughter makes me laugh and cry equally. Most of the time, she is an inordinate amount of sass. However, if she realizes she’s hurt someone’s feelings, she is deeply moved and empathetic. At night she talks about missing her grandmother who died two years ago, being afraid of being alone because she is the youngest child and thinks everyone will die first, and then she’ll crack me up with a made-up joke that’s actually funny and not kid-silly.  

So, what to do when you have a highly sensitive child that wants to crawl back into your womb because the world is too scary, overwhelming, or chaotic?

1. Teach your child feeling and thought words. Children often act out their thoughts and emotions, and it’s our job as parents to teach them what their actions mean. Recently, my child was wound up, emotional, and frustrated. Her emotion was palpable, and even uncomfortable, but I said, “Sometimes you just need a good cry!  Do you want to cry right now?” She said yes, and then proceeded to wail and scream in her pillow for about 43 seconds. Then, she emerged, red-faced, snotty-nosed, but refreshed! Shortly afterward, I put her to bed for the night, but she wouldn’t have been able to rest without that release.
2. Accept your child’s temperament and personality. If you have a sensitive child, you won’t be able to change that. Let your child know that you accept and love them just the way they are. And, let them know that they are lovable, which lets them know they are a worthy, likable human being, despite their chaotic moods.
3. Set limits and provide downtime. A sensitive child doesn’t know how to regulate their needs or emotions. They are excitable and anxious, and may appear as if they want to go, go, go when they really need to chill, chill, chill. So, force a slow down with a mind-numbing activity. Give them a thinking spot so they can ponder in peace.  
4. Teach meditation and deep breathing. My child often engages in deep breathing, alerting me to the fact that she is overwhelmed. Likewise, she’ll grab my yoga mat and begin stretching. She’s only seven, so of course, I had to teach her these strategies. Likewise, you could have your child color or put together a large Lego structure. Both of these activities can calm your child, and slow their brain down a bit.