Dear friends without kids,
We may be the same age, but this stage of life looks very different for you and me. Sometimes, it’s not very noticeable. Other times, it couldn’t be more obvious. Life completely changes after a baby is born. There are things about me, about my life, and about parenting that maybe you don’t know or don’t understand and I’d like to fill you in a little bit; thus, this letter to those of you who don’t yet have kids.
1. I love it when you invite me to do things! I may be a mom now, but I’m also 25. I want to spend time with my friends…with people my own age. Doing something other than watching Sofia The First, again. But at the same time, life with children is very unpredictable. Things like teething, sickness, or even just a bad day might get in the way of our plans. No matter what, I still very much appreciate the invitation, even if I have to say no every time. Please invite me anyway. Try to invite me to kid-friendly activities as well. As much as I sometimes need a break from mom duties, I still love my daughter more than anything and I want to share that with you.
2. I’m sorry I’m always running late. Before kids, when I texted you, “I’m on my way,” I actually meant, “I’m on my way.” Now, odds are it’ll be a good 5-20 minutes before I am actually on my way. Maybe nap time didn’t go as planned. Maybe she had to sit on the toilet for the 15th time this morning because we are in the middle of potty training. Or maybe she spent 10 minutes getting her shoes on and deciding which toy was going with us on the care ride. It truly takes forever to do anything now.
3. When talking about my other mom friends, if I tell you she’s a stay-at-home mom, please don’t ask, “What else does she do?” I’m convinced there is no role in life as misunderstood as the stay-at- home-mom! I only have one kid and I can’t do everything that I’m “supposed” to do as a SAHM. With the age she is right now, I pretty much have to have eyes on her at all times. The only way I get to shower alone is if I get up early before her or wait until she goes down for her nap. Otherwise, I either don’t get a shower or she jumps in with me. I’m sure you’re thinking you would never shower with your toddler, but just you wait. Never say never! I never thought I’d climb in the crib with her to help her sleep, or let her watch Frozen, or be that mom who takes her kid on an airplane, yet here we are. Besides showering once a year, I also need to keep the house clean, take care of the cats and dog, feed my daughter, raise her to be a decent human being, make sure she doesn’t watch too much TV, remind her not to say things like “stupid,” potty train, put on makeup, exercise (ha!), grocery shop, laundry, go on playdates to properly socialize her with other kids, and occasionally drink water and feed myself. It’s a lot to fit into one day, so please don’t ask what else we do.
4. The most important thing I want you to know is that I’m still me. My priorities have shifted and I can’t always drop everything and go like I used to, but I’m still here. I still care about you just as much as I did before becoming a mom. I’m sorry I don’t call, but I wish you would. I know it’s a double standard, but that’s the way it is. (But maybe send a text instead… just in case I’m holding a sleeping baby!) Know that I’m not leaving you behind as I venture through this new phase of life. Randomly check in. Send me pictures of your dog. Tell me how your work day went. Ask me how I’m doing. And invite me to come over and watch Netflix with you next week.
With love,
Your Mom Friend
I always smile at these letters to “friends without kids”. My husband and I chose not to have kids, which DID distance us a lot from our friends who DO have kids. Personally, I get tired of inviting friends who always say no or cancel at the last minute (with or without kids!). I get that kids consume your life/world (and totally understand and it should be that way) but please also understand that it hurts my feelings when you can’t make ANY time for me – and so, yes, I WILL quit asking you. Let’s quit the charade.
And sure, maybe you have to bring the kid along to meet up with me, but don’t be surprised if I stop agreeing to meet with you eventually, because honestly, it’s not really that fun for me to sit and watch you spend 90% of the conversation talking to your kid instead of me (or chasing them around the restaurant or going to a place with a playground). We aren’t really catching up then, are we? If we can’t have a proper conversation, then it’s not really worth me scheduling time with you.
And I know parents always have an excuse for why they are late, but I also have things going on and probably have somewhere to be after we meet up – so you are just being disrespectful to my time in this case. I do have friends with little kids who show up at the agreed upon time, so it CAN be done. Of course, I have friends without kids who are always late to our gatherings too, and they annoy me just as much. Why is it acceptable to be late for meeting with friends but these people are on time for work, doctor appointments, other appointments? Because they VALUE those commitments and treat them accordingly.
Sure, a text relationship can string the friendship along for a while, but for me, that isn’t really where connections last. Shared experiences, time together, face-to-face talks – these are important to me.
I think it’s great for moms to have mom friends. You are in similar life stages and can relate, cope, encourage, rant in ways we kid-free people can’t comprehend. That’s ok. I’m OK finding friends without kids who want to do things with me and can talk about the latest movie, book, festival, or where they went on vacation. That’s my world. You might not want to hear it, but that’s OK – because I don’t really want to hear about the developmental milestone your kid did or didn’t hit. No hard feelings either way!