“My mother always told me I wouldn’t amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, ‘Just wait.’”― Judy Tenuta
I’ve always been an energetic go-getter, someone who was always had a new goal to meet or a standard to aspire to. I measure success by my ability to perform, which inherently involves competition, and if there’s no one to be in competition with, I’m in competition with myself to do better than the last time I did something. I’m deeply emotional, to an uncomfortable level for most people, but also struggle with perfectionism and irritability when things aren’t going my way. I struggle with compromise, my purse is packed with highlighters, and I have to schedule in spontaneous time if I’m going to incorporate any amount of “chill” into my life.
My friends would tell you I’m genuine, authentic, and loyal. I’m not going to bail on our friendship; I know there is a deeper, connected, vulnerable conversation to be had, even if it’s hard, because honestly, I’m not a quitter.
As a mom, I work hard at chilling out because my kids are laid back, easy going, and unhurried. My blood pressure rises at how even-tempered they are, even in the most stressful situations. They are super smart, goal-driven, and care deeply about their own success, but they aren’t as competitive as me, they aren’t torn up about not being part of the “in” group, and you just really can’t get a rise out of them about much of anything.
There are a few things I’ve learned about being a Type A Mom raising Type B kids. Mostly, how to not ruin them because I’m too goal-driven to see the artistry in their doodles.
How to Deal as a Type A Mom with Type B Kids
Chill out. I take a “work hard, play hard” stance through life. My kids seem to want to play hard, play hard, work a little, then play more. And yet, they get everything done, on time, and in order. As an overly-ambitious mom, it can be hard to watch my mellow children meander through the day, dragging their feet across the finish line. I’m not comfortable letting them doodle on their homework, or start it at the last minute. However, it’s important to let kids grow their own wings, and figure out their own flight pattern through life. Their temperament isn’t going to change, no matter what kind of “intervention” I hoist on them. It’s deeply important to me to watch them become their own person, figuring out what will work for them instead of me dictating to them what works for me.
Acknowledge the differences. What I’m learning as a busy, inquisitive mom is that it isn’t the characteristic of a person that matters as much as how we approach a situation. If I don’t want to beat my child up with my overzealous to-do list, high expectations, and perfectionism, I have to see them for who they are, which frankly, is much the same as me. We just get to the end point differently. We both have a robust to-do list, high expectations, and struggle with perfectionism, but they’ve figured out how to skip to the finish line, smelling flowers along the way, rather than running a dead sprint to the very end, knocking people over in the process.
Cultivate compassion. As a Type A Mom, I have learned to cultivate compassion along the way, and understand that while I want to push them hard, that will only put a wedge between us. They respond better to gentle nudges and tender pokes. My personal growth journey is realizing how much I need to cultivate compassion for myself above all else, while also extending grace to those around me, my kids included. It’s more than okay to be a strong mom, but it’s equally okay for kids to be a little more chill. Our differences are to be celebrated, and it works better to see the humanness we share.
Change expectations. My tweens work hard, but at their own pace and schedule. My expectation for myself is much more stringent, and if they worked like I did, they’d be prone to high blood pressure, heart disease, and high cholesterol. They teach me how to change my expectations of myself and with them, trusting that they my way isn’t always the best way. Changing my expectations of how they navigate the world can mean the difference between a good, easy going relationship, and one that is fraught with tension.
Our differences are to be celebrated. Everyone has beauty; it’s my job as a Type A mom to slow down enough to see the beauty of my Type B kids.
