There, I said it.
When we celebrated 8 years of marriage this May, you struggled with the usual sweet sentiments you write in my card. I found it kind of funny actually, and listen, I DON’T BLAME YOU. It’s no secret that it’s been a tough year. It’s like the adrenaline of surviving the last three years (which we now refer to as “The Trifecta”), finally ran out. We PUSHED through having a newborn (pardon the pun), our house almost burning down 3 weeks later, 8 months displaced, moving back into our home, leaving your job, 9 months of unemployment, and now a year of running a start-up company.
It’s taken a toll. I know sometimes I don’t seem as fun, OR FUNNY, or quite so carefree. I don’t take a joke as well, I play the comparison game, and I question my identity. I know sometimes you must look at me and think, “the girl I married is just not there anymore.” And in a way…you’re right.
I’m no longer the girl you met at the party in 2005. The girl whose biggest worry was what shirt I should WEAR to the party and if I should go with the heels or the wedges. The girl whose weekends were mainly for tailgating and sleeping until noon. The girl whose main focus was myself and my grades and accolades and internships. The girl who was in control of her future and the decisions I made only affected me. My biggest anxiety came from whether you’d call and my most fearful moment was when I slipped the acceptance letter in the mail for the job that was far away from you. I was self-assured and confident and convinced of my “identity”. And while I’m certainly not the size 0 bride you married, I’m also not the wide-eyed girl in white with the “throw anything our way!” attitude.
Eight years, 4 moves, 3 job changes, motherhood, and wifehood have changed me. My biggest worry is something tragic happening to our child. (Do I swaddle, is his food cut small enough, will he dry drown, do I even let him get his gosh darn driver’s license?!) My main focus is keeping our household running. (Do I have the things we need? ALL THE THINGS? The answer is always NOPE.) My weekends are spent waking up early to nurse, to PLAY!, or to take our toddler to the potty. And even though I know better, suddenly so many people’s future seems to hinge on how I mother our child. (Today’s children are tomorrow’s leaders, right?!) My biggest anxiety is “am I doing it all good enough?” (Again, the answer is always NOPE.) And my most fearful moment was when the teams of everything came flooding in the delivery room and told me I got ONE PUSH or it was an emergency C-section.
I carry a constant tension of feeling like the most blessed person and the most overwhelmed person at the same time. And don’t even get me started on the hormone TRANSFORMATION my body has experienced after growing a human being inside my stomach.
So yes, I’ve changed.
But here’s the good news:
I’ve changed for the better. I honestly didn’t see it until a friend pointed this out.
My identity is no longer rooted in a job, a role, pride, praise, awards or affirmations, but in my position as God’s “treasured possession”. Therefore, I can consider my workmanship as gifts from the Lord, with the purpose of love instead of selfish ambition.
Trials have left me vulnerable, humble and thankful. I’ve learned that my “own strength” can only take me so far and that asking for help is not a weakness. People have seen me at my worst, and that’s okay.
And I’m trying to exchange my selfishness for SELFLESSness. (I’m human, it’s tough.) I’m trying to recognize my motivations, and 9 times out of 10, they are selfish. But I want to spend my days encouraging, supporting and lifting others up. And husband, I want you to be the first on the receiving end.
I’ve learned that life is just a weaving of a story, and I can’t always control the events (despite my efforts). But I can control my reaction to these events and handle them with grace and trust in the Lord’s will.
And don’t fret, my love…. I still love going to the party. (Heck, I love THROWING the party.) I still love tailgating (now on our coffee table), and ringing our cowbells together. I still think chocolate is a meal and Sunday naps are non-negotiable. I’m still obsessed with Christmas, yet have a hatred of cold weather. I still cry when I’m laughing really hard. I still think you’re the best looking guy out there and I still mean every word I said in our wedding vows.
Some things never change.
So please be patient with me as I change and evolve and our marriage navigates this thing called life. There will be pieces of ourselves that are original and unchanging and there will be new qualities that develop over time because of the twists and turns that we endure together.
I look forward to what our story will look like in 50 years while we’re rocking on the porch together. I hope you’ll always see me as your blushing {size 0!} bride, but also as a woman who’s changed…all for the better.
