Everything About Parenting Scares Me

Let’s face it; we live in a terrifying world. Information is overly abundant, mental illness is more common than not, working {only} 40 hours a week is a thing of the past, people are tired, people are angry, you see more eyes on phones than on the road, it seems as though our country will never come to an agreement on sufficient gun laws, cable television is surprisingly uncensored, and the population explosion over the last 50 years is quickly wreaking havoc on the Earth we hope to sustain for our future generations. Those are just the things that are top of mind right now. 

Thanks to doctors who understand the stress of life, anxiety medications can take the edge off. However, there isn’t a pill you can swallow that helps you understand what your child is going through, to censor what they witness at school, or to put more hours in the day that you can devote to being the parent you “thought” you would be. 

My oldest child told me she hated me this week. She also cried herself to sleep because she longed to be with her Mimi over me or my husband. Let me tell you, she is still quite young and both instances evolved from a place of being over-tired and emotional over something adults would consider ridiculous, but both times her words and body language shattered my heart. (Mimi is my mom, whom we all love dearly, by the way.)

What am I doing wrong? What am I missing? How can I not be the one she loves 100% of the time and wants to be with every night? My heavy heart tells me I am failing as a parent. 

How do you teach, instill respect, and still be their best friends? I know the argument leans a heavy hand on the side of “You are their parent, not their friend,” but I want to be both. 

These are suppose to be the days where your child loving you is a no-brainer and when mom is the only person they want to tuck them in at night. Is it possible that just a mere six years in, the best days of being #1 in her eyes are behind me? This terrifies me. 

I think about the trials and tribulations of growing up and how hard and emotional it is when you’re elbow deep in all of the questions and feelings. I remember feeling lost, and scared, and crying myself to sleep on many occasions for whatever reason. I also remember keeping my feelings to myself and silently suffering. It absolutely terrifies me to think of my children feeling this way.

Clearly, I made it through to adulthood and reflecting on those emotions seem petty in hindsight, but in the moment, they were so real, so important. Mental health. Bullying in school. Driving. Accidents. Malicious people. Body image issues. 

All of it is so scary for children to deal with and what scares me the most about my own children encountering these issues is that I zero control over whether they will talk to me about them or not. 

I cannot even fathom teaching them to drive, sending them to the movies alone, or witnessing their first true teenage heartbreak. I am no longer in simple toddler territory. They grow up fast. Faster than I could have ever imagined and it’s awful, saddening, and beautiful all at the same time.