Collin County Moms is thrilled to present “Honest Moms,” a series on authentic, vulnerable looks at motherhood and life in general: the good, the bad, and the ugly—what we love, what we struggle with, and what we are working through—all as a way to connect with YOU. We want to know what you’re going through, what encourages you, what helps in the times of confusion, chaos, and solitude. We are all in this together, and our community is a strong one that seeks to lift others up.
A grandparent’s love is strong and deep, filled with memories to cherish and keep.
As a child, I remember how involved my grandparents were. They lived thousands of miles away and I wasn’t the only grandchild, but when I visited I felt like the only grandchild in their world. For that short moment in time, I was their everything. I was loved and adored every moment I was with them, and I loved it. They have all passed away now, and I can only dream about the wonderful memories that we created together and I will cherish them forever. Now as a parent, I pray and wish for those types of memories for my son, but unfortunately, it’s not as easy and organic with his grandparents.
My son’s grandparents are all uninvolved due to various reasons. They all live within an hour of us, but don’t make the effort to be active members in his life. Whether it’s work or lack of communication, my son doesn’t receive the same attention and love as other grandparents give their grandchildren. My husband and I never get a date night or weekend away—we can’t depend on the grandparents, and we don’t have other family close by. Everything we do together as a couple is because we either involve our son, or our friends graciously volunteer a few hours of their time to watch him. We will never be able to call and ask his grandparents for help when we are in a bind, because asking them is like pulling teeth. IF they are involved, I feel like it’s almost a show. My son is paraded around for friends and family to see, and then he’s immediately given back to us to care for.
In the beginning, I made every excuse as to why they weren’t involved: they weren’t used to newborns, they were too busy with work/social lives. But now that he’s older and I have seen other kids with their involved grandparents, I cry when I think about it. My son has absentee, uninvolved grandparents. How could you not want to spend every moment you had with my son? He’s not perfect, but he’s a gift; he will love you unconditionally.
I feel like I’m fighting a constant battle to get any kind of involvement; I change our schedules, I make accommodations, I do whatever it takes to help them be more involved. Why am I trying so hard? I want my son to have someone to look up to, who can tell him stories about our family’s history. I want him to have the same memories as I have of my grandparents.
It’s heartbreaking to face, but I have given up on the dream that my son will have involved grandparents in his life. My focus now is to surround him with friends and family members who want to be a part of his life. Love is blind, and he can receive the same type of love from close friends and family.
What I have realized now is no matter how hard I try to push them to get involved, it’s up to them to make that decision. If my son ever asks me about his uninvolved grandparents, I will not speak ill of them. I will remind him that he has so many people in his life that love him. Love and memories can come from friends, too.
If your children have loving and involved grandparents, thank them. Appreciate the time and effort they spend with your children! Your children will cherish those memories forever.
Do you have any experiences with uninvolved grandparents? How do you handle it?
It is heartbreaking. I have two wonderful boys that family members including my own mother have never met for reasons I will never even pretend to understand. You just keep doing what you are doing and surround them and yourself with the friends and family that do want to be involved in your children’s lives!
I am in a very similar situation. When I was younger I would always go on vacations with my grandparents. We would stay over at their house for the weekend. My parents would take us over there quite often, and we always loved and looked forward to it. Now that I have kids of my own it’s sad to see the lack of genuine interest my parents have in my own children’s life. I take them over there. I’ve had my mother babysit a few times, but often when I pick them up they’ve only eaten junk food and koolaid or nothing at all. I’ve stopped making so much of an effort, because why should I be the only one to? I’m fortunate that my husbands parents are much more involved, but they do go out of town a lot. Soon may move away for good. I just hope that someday I can be the grandparent I’ve always dream of having.
I didn’t see where you mentioned if you have ever voiced your concerns to the grandparents. I am on the opposite side and my brother and his wife do not involve our family in theirs or their kid’s lives. Believe me, we have made many efforts to no avail to include family counseling. If we don’t know when a soccer game or baseball game is being played or a school play or a baptism, then how can we show up? We cannot be involved if the parents do not involve us or include us. Our situation sounds different from yours but it may be as simple as just having a heartfelt conversation. God speed.
My parents live close by and only care about appearing like the best grandparents on social media. They’ll ask for photos of their grandkids to post online to make it seem like they are super involved but have never had the kids sleepover, never taken them out to eat or anywhere. My husband and I have never had a date night, but they have watched the kids twice so we could run errands. I think, like you, id be more ok with it if they would just be honest about not wanting to be involved. Instead, they make excuses to me, let my children down, all the while accepting compliments from people online who don’t know any better.