Collin County Moms is thrilled to present “Honest Moms,” a series on authentic, vulnerable looks at motherhood and life in general: the good, the bad, and the ugly—what we love, what we struggle with, and what we are working through—all as a way to connect with YOU. We want to know what you’re going through, what encourages you, what helps in the times of confusion, chaos, and solitude. We are all in this together, and our community is a strong one that seeks to lift others up.
Over the recent holidays, I was asked the inevitable question: “When are you having the next one?” I could feel all eyes turn towards me as I fed my 16 month old son. My eyes widened and my throat quickly became dry as I searched for an answer.
My husband and I hosted Christmas Eve and apparently everyone thought it was for us to make a big announcement, i.e., a new baby. I realize this question comes from well-intentioned family members, but part of me feels uneasy by the question. Family planning is a personal decision, and I know this question can cause a lot of stress within relationships and marriages.
Still searching for an answer to give our guests, I ultimately just shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t have an answer. Not for them and not for me. There is a part of me asking this very question, though. When will we have another baby? I don’t know if that is even the biggest question. The biggest question is, will we have another baby?
A Decision as Unique as the Family Who Makes It
Everyone will answer this question differently. No two families are alike, and this question will be answered within those unique dynamics. The fact that there is a whole online community devoted to being “on the fence” says quite a bit.
So many of us are faced with this huge decision of whether or not to add to our families. Some are faced with childcare obstacles, others may be faced with complications during pregnancy and birth, or some struggled with PPD/PPA. For me, in addition to a difficult birth and postpartum healing period, I think my husband and I have really evaluated our limitations and are trying to navigate those boundaries the best we can. Regardless of the reason, it is what keeps people like me on the fence.
I have positive reasons for wanting to expand my family, such as giving my son a sibling. He loves playing with his little friends and cousins, and I believe he would benefit greatly from the addition of a new baby. I imagine the new baby would benefit immensely having my son as a big brother, but my concerns are real and need to be addressed first.
Aside from the big things like figuring out finances, still nursing my 16-month-old, and finding a new OB/GYN in the area, I am fairly new to McKinney and I have concerns finding an OB/GYN I trust after the difficult birth of my son. Then there are the little things, such as two in car seats, two in a shopping cart at the grocery store, two in diapers…but I digress.
The Relationship Changes…Which Terrifies Me
Adding to our family would also be changing the dynamics of the relationship between my son and me. I often feel that is a real source of anxiety for me. The thought of my son not being my only baby rattles me. So much so that I have entertained the idea of simply being one and done. The horror in the “well-intentioned” family members’ faces expressed to me when I voice the idea of being one and done leaves me a little flustered. But our little family fits. We feel complete. My son loves having all my attention. It feels selfish, but in a pleasant way.
The thought of my son not being my only baby rattles me. So much so, that I have entertained the idea of simply being one and done.
Being on the fence about having a second baby makes me at times wonder if there is something wrong with me. Sometimes, I feel like I am barely surviving the days with just my son. What would our days look like with two children? What if the pregnancy produced twins? My son was a twin; the other twin vanished early on. Could I make it with three? Easy answer: of course, but the complexity of that answer is much more in depth then a blog post could produce.
Family planning is as unique as the family, each settling in their respected role. We are not all the same. Some may be asking if they’ll have a third, a fourth, a fifth, and so on. Any child (either one or multiple) are blessings to their families and that includes the only child.
Do you have similar questions you face? Do you feel pressure to have more children? What constraints do you face regarding family planning?
So beautifully put, the struggles are real. You think, how could I have another child that could be as unique, beautiful and fun loving as the baby I already enjoy so much….I remember these same feelings almost 29 years ago before your brother was born. But everything falls into place when a second one comes along and you realize the first born will always have a special place in your heart but your suddenly opens up and you realize “wow” I made this special new little love too. It’s a very personal decision that only you and your husband can make. You and Jorge are magnificent parents and I have no doubt that with a second child you would be as wonderful parents to another one. No pressure…lol