My husband and I watched Leaving Neverland last weekend after hearing all the chatter and wondering what the big deal was about. I’m a huge fan of Michael Jackson, and I’ve hoisted his music upon my kids many times, dancing in the living room, rocking in the car, and singing at the top of my lungs while going about my household chores. Michael is a beloved icon of our time, and hearing his songs waft through the air take me back to a time when. Plus, like many people, I’ve followed Michael’s life from childhood and into adulthood, feeling sorry for him because of his horrid upbringing at the hands of his abusive father.
Wanna Be Startin’ Something
Leaving Neverland dove right into the deep end of the seduction of childhood sex abuse. It was uncomfortable to hear since I have such a love of Michael Jackson, but the bold strength and courage of Wade Robson and James Safechuck struck a huge chord in me that is still reverberating. The documentarian, Dan Reed, threw his viewers into the deep end of the ocean, gasping for air, testing the image of Michael Jackson we can all relate to – loving, lovable, safe, secure, and just “one of the kids.” Things went horribly wrong, and this is what terrifies me as a parent.
As a marriage and family therapist, people often ask me when they should start talking to their kids about the dangers of sex abuse and their bodies, and I’m horrified with the question every single time, wanting to answer back, “You haven’t started yet?!” The answer is: When your child is able to talk, they’re able to listen. Start talking.
But, as “Leaving Neverland” pointed out,
sex abuse is slow, methodical, and sometimes loving. Yes, loving.*
All babies are thrust into an environment assumed to be innocent, carefree, bubbly, and perfect. We as humans want nothing more than to love and be loved from the day of our first breath, and we trust our caregivers 100% of the time in the beginning, leaving all emotional and physical development in the hands of those who feed us, bathe us, and hold us. To be nurtured by our caregiver (parent, usually) makes us feel safe and secure, and it’s parents who, essentially, tell us who we are, what we can do, and how to manage the world. We trust them to navigate the world for us, until we can navigate it on our own. Developmentally, we aren’t able to make sound decisions on our own until into our teen years (and even then it’s questionable, but that’s for another post).
At the crux of the story of Leaving Neverland, and the two boys who have come forward with their abuse stories, is two moms who make the decision to leave their children alone, sleeping in the bed of Michael Jackson, night after night after night. Again, their reasons for doing this are for another post, but from the boys’ perspectives, they were being guided by the person they trusted most in the world: their parent. When the parents said, “This is a safe person,” the kids believed them. With that trust was a perfect opportunity for Michael to speak a love language the boys had never experienced before. They trusted Michael because the parents trusted him.
In The Closet
You see, sex abuse often isn’t a painful act. For young, innocent children who just want to love and be loved, having someone be tender, caring, soft, and gentle while touching their private parts feels like a loving act. This thought may appall you, but in order to understand child sex abuse, we moms have to face this reality. Kids don’t think of sex and sex acts as a dirty (if they even think about it at all), and they don’t think of tenderness as abusive. Most of the time, they don’t even know what the word “abuse” means, so asking them if they’d been abused can be confusing.
The love and attention many children feel coming at them from a grooming abuser feels warm, nurturing, and compassionate. It’s just another expression of love. As humans, we’re hard-wired to give and receive love, so the grooming part of sex abuse – the seductive manipulation thrust upon a growing child – often can’t be weeded out and understood as anything but loving, tender touch.
Yes, some sex abuse IS NOT loving and tender. It can be violent. But most of the time, it is not violent. And even if it is violent, having a person who is soft, sentimental, and kind and who reaches the inner core of what makes you a human being who wants to be seen, felt, and heard, the act can feel like an expression of love.
Say, Say, Say What You Need To Say
All of this said, how do we as Moms protect our children from sex abuse? What needs to be said, and how do we say it? Here are some tips for talking to your kids about child sex abuse:
- Start now. No matter what age your child is, start having that conversation now. Let your child know that their body is their own, and nobody should touch their private parts, ever, without their permission. Nobody means nobody. Not friends, not parents, and not physicians. Private parts are mine and they are not to be shared until much later in life. Let your child know that. And then, Mom, Dad, you follow that rule. Every single time you have to rub a cream on your daughter’s bottom; every time you have to be exposed to your child’s privates, please make sure you ask to touch or see, reminding them that you respect their boundary.
- Keep talking. Having the conversation one time doesn’t mean you’re finished with this conversation. The more you talk about body parts, inappropriate touching, and boundaries, the more they’ll become desensitized to the topic. You want to be firm, but strong in your words. Let them know sex and sex acts are not bad, but they happen at an older age.
- Open doors. Make sure your child knows that you aren’t uncomfortable with this topic, and they shouldn’t be either. Tell them they can ask you anything and tell you anything, no matter what. Tell them they can come to you face-to-face, they can write you a note, they can send you a text, or they can give you a strange look. You don’t care, as long as they come to you. You are their most trusted person, and they will get information from other people starting at a very early age about their own body and how it works. You would much rather them come to you for verification and clarification than feeling like it’s a taboo topic. Parents, do not shut this topic down. That only encourages secrecy and a guarantee that when they need you, they won’t come to you.
- Be blunt. Parents, go straight to the point. When they’re old enough developmentally (i.e. when they can grasp concepts that are more challenging), talk to them about the word “abuse” and how there are some people who do things like this (physically and sexually) in the world. This can be a fearful topic for children, but it is okay to be open and honest about other’s behaviors. You should be having this conversation about anything. For example, “Yeah, Johnny shouldn’t have done that at school. It was rude and inappropriate.” So, extend this conversation to the behavior of adults. For example, “Some adults do things they shouldn’t do, too. Even teachers. Even doctors. If they do, it’s okay to tell me about it.”
- Don’t keep secrets. Many kids are groomed with manipulation: “If you tell your parents, I’m going to hurt them.” So, tell your kids this happens. Let them know that this is what bad, mean people can say. Prepare them for a hypothetical time that a trusted adult might say, “This is just between me and you. Don’t tell your parents. It’s our little secret.” Tell your child what is possible here, to prepare them. If a trusted adult says this, they’re not doing what they’re supposed to do. And promise, promise, promise your child that you are safe and this is just an untrusting adult’s way of scaring you so they can do something bad.
You might be wondering when to have these conversations with your child. I can’t reiterate enough when I say this: Any hesitation or fear you have to starting and continuing this conversation with your child is your fear. Your child trusts you to give them the information they need to navigate the world. It’s your job to tell them in a way that is developmentally appropriate, but you have to have all of these conversations.
Leaving Neverland is a sad but common story. The courage these two boys have to come forward with such boldness and strength so that moms like us can open up about this topic is tremendous. I hope they realize what an amazing job they’ve done for all of us.
Below are some resources to help you along the way:
The Swimsuit Lesson by Jan Holsten
I Said No! A Kid-to-Kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private by Kimberly King
Do You Have a Secret? (Let’s Talk About It!) by Jennifer Moore-Mallinos
The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls by Valerie Schafer
*DISCLAIMER: The information presented here is 100% my opinion only, and should not be taken as medical or mental health advice of any kind. Also, the legal case of Michael Jackson is currently ongoing. He and his estate have not been found guilty of any wrongdoing.
