My husband and I are the epitome of “opposites attract.” He’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert. He’s an early riser and I’m a night owl. He loves anything salty and I love anything sweet. And while these differences have been challenging at times, one difference that has proven tougher than the rest, is the way we show love to each other. Or, in other words, we have different love languages.
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, then I highly recommend reading the book, The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. In my own words, the book discusses how each of us have our own love language, and consequently give and receive love in different ways. The five languages Chapman discusses in the book are:
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
If you’re interested in discovering what your particular love language is, or if you just want to dive deeper into the theory, check out Chapman’s website: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. There you can find a love language quiz not only for yourself, but also for your children. You can also find videos, podcasts, e-books and a lot of other resources on the topic.
After reading the book about 10 years ago, I discovered that my primary love language is words of affirmation. I feel most loved by my husband when he gives me little compliments, speaks words of encouragement, or tells me how appreciative he is of me. However, my husband’s primary love language is acts of service, meaning he feels most loved when I do the dishes, fix the upstairs toilet, or get the oil changed in our car.
How does this play out in our marriage? My husband is quick to clean the dishes, while I enjoy telling him how much he means to me. And while most wives would LOVE for their husband to help with household chores, it just doesn’t do it for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate the help, but it just doesn’t fill my love tank. Similarly, I can tell my husband over and over how amazing and wonderful he is, but guess what, it will leave his love tank just as empty as mine.
Sound familiar? I’m betting there’s a pretty good chance most couples are speaking different love languages.
So where does that put us? In the past it would leave my husband and I feeling very frustrated and “unloved.” Marriage is hard enough without adding a language barrier to the equation. But thankfully, after 8 years, we’ve learned a thing or two about translating. Here are 3 ideas to consider if you and your spouse are speaking different love languages.
Tell Your Spouse How You Want to be Loved
How often do we assume our spouse knows what we want? I am very guilty of expecting things from my husband without ever telling him what my expectations are in the first place. Consequently, I set him up for failure. This same concept rings true with our love languages. We cannot expect our spouses to know how we want to be loved if we never tell them.
Naturally we will show love is the same way we want to receive love. If your love language is receiving gifts, I bet you’re a pretty good gift giver. If your love language is physical touch, I bet you give some amazing hugs. So if your spouse’s love language is different from yours, inherently they will show love in THEIR language. But, don’t lose hope, this doesn’t mean your love tank will never be filled, it just means you need to tell your spouse how to fill it.
My husband and I have had many conversations on this very topic. We each take turns asking the question, “how can I love you better”? Then we spend time diving into each of our love languages. I usually say something like “I love it when you leave me notes and tell me thank you,” and my husband usually says something like “I love it when you track our monthly expenses or do the yard work.” Then we do our best to love the other in THEIR love language.
Check in from Time to Time
Have you ever tried speaking another language without ever taking the time to learn it first? I can imagine it wouldn’t go very well. Just because we want to speak the language, doesn’t mean the right words will come out. Same concept with love languages.
It takes time and practice to learn another love language. So as we’re in the learning process, we need to keep checking in with our spouse on our progress. Consider scheduling a weekly or monthly follow-up to discuss how it’s going. After 8 years of marriage, my husband and I still have intentional discussions to see how full our love tanks are.
Try to Recognize Their Intentions
Learning a new love language can be difficult. It might take your spouse some time to grasp how you receive love. While they practice, do your best to recognize it when they show you love in their love language. Like I said above, we naturally give love in the way we’d like the receive it. So for me, even though acts of service is not my love language, I do my best to recognize it when my husband is showing me love by folding the laundry.
Love is complicated and learning a new language is tough. So you can imagine how difficult it is to learn a new love language. But with the right mindset and a few tools in your belt, you’ll be on the path to fluency in no time.
Have you Read the “5 Love Languages”? What’s Your Love Language?
