So much of motherhood feels like pure survival.
Often we tell ourselves throughout the day, “I just have to make it till nap time” or “Thank goodness it’s almost bedtime.” Maybe your survival is counting down the minutes until you can leave for a playdate because you need to get out of the house with your kids to survive. Maybe your survival means checking things off your list in Target as fast as you can because you just know someone is going to lose it and you need to be in the safety of your car or home. However survival looks to you, I challenge you (and myself) to be more present in those moments. 
As a mom of three kids three years and under, a lot of my day can be in survival mode. But I have been slowly undergoing changes in my person since becoming a mom—really since becoming a mom of an incredibly impulsive and rough two-year-old boy.
I decided I don’t want to survive motherhood, I want to live it.
I want to live it along with my kids and know that I am there fully with them as we ride this incredibly wild, hard, fulfilling, exhausting, joy-filled journey. I have learned that to fully be present I need to stop and look at what my kids’ behavior is saying and how my actions are influencing it.
So back to my challenge…I challenge us all to practice being present and not just surviving. Here are a few steps we can take to face our default to survival mode head-on and make changes to better ourselves in those hard moments and to be more present parents:
- Identify the most challenging moments. Take a few minutes to figure out the moments or tasks that are a challenge, the ones you find yourself wishing were over. How are your kids behaving? What are their actions saying? For me, it is the bedtime routine these days. My boys are 16 months apart and share a room. Bedtime has become a challenge. They seem think it’s just another playtime.
- Look at how you handle the situation. More often than not, our kids are affected by us and our actions or feelings. It is very easy to place the blame on them, but they are the kids here; they often have more going on than we give them credit for. I get very frustrated by the 75th time of some version of: “Lay down/get in your bed/stop throwing your stuff out/stop yelling at each other/leave the curtains alone…” The list goes on and on… And then I yell or threaten, and no one is better for it. I hate feeling so angry in those last moments of the day when it should be filled with sweetness.
- Consider the changes you could make. Think about what changes you could make in those moments or during those tasks that could make them easier for all. The biggest reminder I have to keep in check is how much everything is a result of my actions. If I am flustered, my kids feel it. If I am calm and loving and sweet, my kids feel it. Even being distracted by our phones or work or social media can be a hurdle. I have tried to approach bedtime with a more touchy feeling approach. We’ve started offering back rubs and snuggles instead of yelling and threats.
- Incorporate change. Try and focus on the changes you’ve come up with and implement them. We are only human. You cannot hope for a complete 360-degree change in anything immediately. But hopefully by being more aware or prepared or forgiving or patient or present or understanding (insert whatever it is you’d like to bring into your relationship with your kids), we can make those daunting tasks, those survival moments, much more enjoyable and rewarding.
When I look back at my kids’ childhood, I don’t want to be thinking “I wish I had been more present, I wish I was calmer, less frustrated, etc…” I want to know that I was there and I was my best self. I am not perfect; you are not perfect; we are collectively learning and growing each day. A dear and wise friend once told me, “Bad moments DO NOT make a bad mom. They are just the bad moments.” I try to challenge myself to do better going forward. So let’s do this, mamas!
