75 days ago at 5:15pm, my phone rang. I was on the way home from watching my son do gymnastics, likely wondering what I was going to make for dinner that night, and hopeful that I could continue watching Outlander after bedtime.
But instead, at 5:15pm, I was told about a little one who has having a pretty terrible day if we’re being honest. I heard a very small snippet of his story, and in a matter of five minutes, I had to say yes or no to his potential placement with our family. One week prior, I had received a similar call, said yes, but ultimately, he was placed elsewhere. So, what the heck, I thought. We’ll say yes again. I bet we won’t even get picked.
Full transparency: I didn’t even tell my husband about the call. That’s how unlikely I thought it was that we would be chosen.
At 5:25pm, my phone rang again. “They picked you!” our agency worker said. “He’ll be there soon!”
Three hours later, a very tired CPS investigator brought a terrified and very hungry toddler into our home. A few signatures and about 200 Cheerios later, our chapter together began.
75 days ago, I knew almost nothing about the world I was entering. Here’s what I know today about foster parenting that I wish someone would’ve told me then.
Fighting for the Best Interest of the Child Isn’t What You Think
There’s a phrase a lot of case workers and attorneys in the foster care world call “best interest of the child.” I used to think that meant that the best place for a child’s future is wherever the child is safest, happiest, and has the most opportunities. But I’ve learned it is so much more than that.
The tricky thing about foster care is that we have to always remember the goal—and the goal is to be a temporary bridge. The goal is to send them back home. The goal is to reunite them with their blood relatives or parents. What’s difficult about that is that we often see them thrive in their foster homes, often given access to healthier food and better medical care.
But I have to DAILY push back on the notion that my ability to offer him a nicer home or more colorful meals or fancier vacations is better than blood. It’s not. It’s different here, not better. At the end of the day, if there is someone from his family of origin who can provide a safe and stable home, that is absolutely what’s best for him. Full stop. That’s what’s in his best interest.
To be clear, that’s not always possible due to safety issues, and there are some cases where adoption is the best option for the child. But that’s the exception, not the rule.
If You Get “Too Attached,” You’re Doing It Right
When we adopted our youngest in 2016, I spent three months prior to travel staring at his photo. I had built up his adoption day in my mind as this magical moment where we’d reach for each other and birds would start singing and all would be right in the world. Spoiler: It was nothing like that. For most of our time in China, I felt like his babysitter. We were literally strangers. It took a few weeks, but I eventually found my footing as his mother. And he reciprocated that affection quickly, too.
Going into foster care, I was fairly certain that wouldn’t happen. After all, these kids come to you on short notice, and there is no intent to keep them long-term. Spoiler: You fall in love anyway. And the good news is that means you’re doing it right.
My “mama bear” instincts really kicked in with our little guy 10 days into our time with him. He’s a snuggler who loves being rocked to sleep, so that helps. And he smiles with his whole face. I told all my foster mom friends within a few weeks that the day he leaves me, it will wreck me.
So, you’re probably wondering, why put my family through the heartache of knowingly loving and losing a child? Because every single child on the planet deserves that. Even if it’s only for a season, every single child on the planet deserves to be loved so much and so deeply that losing them is absolutely crushing.
Your Support System is Everything
I knew it took a village to raise a child—well, it takes about five villages to raise a foster child. I had absolutely no idea who much I’d need my people 75 days ago. Between appointments and transporting to visits, and, oh yeah, all my other kids’ activities, I’ve called upon my people in a major way the last few weeks.
If you’re considering foster care, be sure you have a deep, and I mean DEEP, support system around you. Find other foster families to connect with, get your family and friends to fill out the background checks to be babysitters, and let all your friends know that your kids are available for play dates ANYTIME. Now is not the time to play Superwoman. Accept the meals. Say thank you for the diaper drop-offs. Don’t be afraid to ask for hand-me-downs. It is very unnatural to me to ask for help, but truly, you need the support more than ever. No shame!
The last 75 days have been up and down and everything in between. We couldn’t be more grateful to be part of our little guy’s story for as long as he needs us. If you’ve ever considering fostering or would like to support those who do, head on over to Embrace Texas to learn more.
