“Mom, I want to have more conversations with you.”
“Oh, baby girl, we talk all the time!”
“Actually, mom, I talk and you say ‘Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh…”
Ouch.
I love conversations with my daughter. She’s quirky and fun and interested in many of the same things I am. Every time we hang out, I learn something new. (Side note: I’m an introvert.)
My daughter loves conversations with me. She would tell you that I’m attentive, available, and “amazed at what my little mind can think of!” (Side note: she’s an extrovert.)
We have the same goal—spending quality time together—but what that looks like is different for each of us, and unless I meet my daughter where she is, I’m in danger of failing to communicate how much I genuinely love having conversations with her. Because from her perspective, how can I love talking with her if I’m not …. you know …. talking?!
Learning your child’s love language is essential to engaging with & supporting them.
Often times, when it comes to showing our children how much we care about them, we default to ways that work for us, because that’s what comes naturally. For example, from my perspective, I’m loving my daughter well when I spend time with her, listen to her, and encourage ALL her varied passions and pursuits. But if what she needs are words, and what I’m giving is simply my presence, then she’s not getting the message.
In his book, The Five Love Languages of Children, Dr. Gary Chapman gives advice on how to speak your child’s love language in ways they understand. The charge: Identify your child’s primary love language—the way they best receive affection—and then strive to show your love in a way that brings them joy and builds a strong relationship with them.
Acts of Service
These children thrive on helping and being helped. If it feels like your child constantly asks for help with seemingly simple tasks, they might be feeling a lack of connection. Ask how you can help them or offer to get them what they need to feel supported. The good news is that they will also be your “helper” children. Because they receive love in acts of service, this will be how they choose to give love, too. Bonus: They love to help with chores, so invite them to pitch in!
Gift Giving
With a child who loves getting gifts, it’s not as much about the gift itself as it is about the thought behind the giving. They’re just as happy about a special treat in their lunch box as they are on Christmas morning, because they know that you’re thinking of them, which makes them feel loved. Likewise, gift giving children are the ones that bring you dandelions every time they go outside. They color picture after picture for you and beam with joy when you proudly exclaim how much you love it!
Words of Affirmation
Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Using words to encourage and affirm is at the heart of this love language. Kids who love words of affirmation rejoice in verbal appreciation and praise. Saying things like, “Wow, you worked hard to solve that problem!” or, “You really brighten my day!” will mean everything to them. Kids with this love language want to hear how much they mean to you. Tell them “I love you” or “I love being your mom” and tell them often.
Physical Touch
These kiddos want to be held, hugged, and snuggled. They crave contact. They follow you around even when you go to the bathroom! They have no idea what “me time” is and may take your request for “space” personally. They just want to love you and the best way they know how is to be physically near you, even if you’re doing two completely separate tasks. Giving them high fives and sweet little touches throughout the day can go a long way in showing your love for them.
Quality Time
The most important thing to these kiddos is having one-on-one time with the people most important to them. These kids want you to read to them, play a game with them, or push them on the swing. Just like with the gift-giving kid, the gesture doesn’t have to be expensive or elaborate. This kiddo will be just as happy going for a short walk around the block with you. Take them grocery shopping and ask about their day. Engage with them and give them your undivided attention.
Making sure that your child feels loved and respected is one of the greatest jobs and JOYS you will have in life. Discover your child’s primary language, and then speak it, and you will not only strengthen your relationship with your kiddo, you’ll have more fun along the way!
How do you incorporate acts of love to your children? What other tips do you have when filling their cups via the five love languages for kids?
