In my almost 36 years, I have seen my fair share of fair-weather friends. People I had invested over a decade having a “friendship” with, all for nothing. This betrayal and disloyalty to me made me bitter, angry, and lonely. I shut off from even the idea of wanting to make friends or even thinking that I needed any. Having been through a handful of these “friendships” I have learned a whole lot about: what it means to be a true friend, how can I be a true friend, what qualities do I look for in a true friend, how do I avoid another toxic friendship, how do I show and teach my children how to be a true friend. QUALITY OVER QUANTITY IS WHAT MATTERS.
“Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.”-Helen Keller
I read a study that said having good friends for a period of time can extend your life for up to 10 years. This makes total sense. Someone who is a true friend does not cause extra stress or unnecessary drama in your life. True friends add something wonderful and beautiful to your life, your existence. When you are equally invested in a friendship, it is very organic and just flows. The complete opposite applies when you have a TOXIC FRIENDSHIP. Toxic people have toxic friendships, toxic relationships, toxic health. Sadly, I have experienced more toxic friendships than true ones. After spending some time cultivating new friendships that later I found out were so toxic, I have learned.
When I am around people now, I get a feeling, my gut instinct. Sometimes I am wrong, most time I am right. When people show you their true colors, ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE THEM. Not everyone is bad but not everyone is good. Not everyone has the best of intentions or motives. This is a sad, harsh truth. As a mother of three little ones, this is a truth we have to remind our children. We want our children to believe that everyone is good, everyone is great, everyone is your friend, but that is not always the case.
As a mother, the last few years we have had more encounters with children who are unkind, nasty, and hurtful. Both of my school-aged children have been the recipient of fake friends and friends who are toxic. Our daughter more so than our son. At eight years old, my daughter and I have to have almost daily talks about friends, how to treat others, and how she should be treated by others.
My opinion: kids that do not know how to be a true friend and display toxicity usually learn that behavior from their own parents. Being a toxic friend includes signs of jealousy, competitive with your other friends for your time, talking more than listening, and on. These signs can be displayed as young as first grade from my children’s personal experience. It has taken me two years to figure out a pattern with these so-called “friends”. Now I have heart to heart, real talks with my children and call it for what it is.
With our daughter, I have seen a pattern with select female classmates—being nasty, name calling, gossiping, trying to be a “copycat”, then flipping and acting like a friend and wanting all the perks that having a friendship brings. Our world needs more parents to teach their kiddos how to be a good friend. Not only teach them but to be an example. Our children are always watching and listening.
Sadly, we live in a world that is full of hate and hurt; we might not be able to change the world but we can teach our children to be the change in the world that we so desperately need. Start with teaching and exemplifying the famous GOLDEN RULE. Teach your children how to be a friend, you show them the way, teach them what toxic traits to look out for, and that, sadly, not everyone will be as genuine and honest as you in a friendship. They will find their tribe, just as you will. It might take almost 36 years like me, but I am on my way. True friendship feels amazing and everyone deserves to have someone be THEIR PERSON.
“One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.”- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
