When It’s More Than ADHD

So I never like to talk about my son’s experience like I’m the expert, since every situation is so different, every child is different. But I wanted to share, since so many moms (silently) go through very similar situations with their kiddos.

I started noticing things seemed different with my firstborn around 18 months; he was hard to settle down, he is constantly on the go, he walked at nine months, etc. But my mother-in-law was watching him, so of course she’d never kick him out or tell me things were unbearable. He started preschool at a Montessori school right after he turned three, and within a few months, the teachers were at their wits’ end. He didn’t want to participate unless the subject interested him, he was very, very physical, and too rough with some of the kids; we heard parent complaints about him. His teacher (God bless her) worked with us as much as possible, looked for ways to redirect him, positively reinforce him, take away privileges, etc. But nothing ever would stick. She eventually (kindly) told us she’d never had a kid like him in her 25 years of teaching

He has an August birthday, so we agonized over whether to start him in Kindergarten right after his fifth birthday. We prayed about it, applied to a few schools, got on wait lists. We were called by a charter school that said they dealt with kids who didn’t fit into normal school settings all the time, and we felt like it was an answer to prayer.

His Kindergarten teacher at the charter school had been teaching for less than 10 years, she came from a corporate business background, and within days, we knew she couldn’t handle our boy. She emailed us constantly, sent him to the principal (who didn’t know what to do with him), placed him in the other Kinder classroom (and it was very clear that that teacher hated him), emailed the entire parents’ group confessing that she’d screamed at the class and burst into tears in front of them. It was not a good situation.

We had one meeting with the principal, but looking back, it’s clear to see that this school was not equipped to handle kids who weren’t the “norm.” (Which is sad when you think about it.) The school had a three-strikes rule, so we weren’t surprised when my son was kicked out in September. I remember getting the call, briefly acknowledging that my son had surpassed the three-strikes rule, and meekly accepting that he was no longer apart of that school. I believe he had hit children two different times, and talked back one other time.

I took him to our local public school a few days later, explained to the principal that we currently had my son in play therapy (but had not seen much progress), were scheduled for a Neuro-Psych evaluation, and were open to meds if the diagnosis deemed it necessary. He started there and within weeks, I was getting calls and emails about his behavior. His teacher told me that he was the worst case she’d seen in 30 years of teaching.

One morning, the school called and asked me to come over right away. I showed up, and the principal laid into me, with the teacher, my son, and the guidance counselor present. My son had torn apart the classroom, kicked the principal, and was not showing signs of remorse. Meanwhile, he was days away from being evaluated by a child psychologist. She ripped into me, like I had no idea how bad the situation was, like I was a deadbeat mom who wasn’t taking any action. I hate to admit that I completely lost it. How dare she insinuate that I wasn’t doing enough to help my son? That I didn’t know exactly how bad it was? That I wouldn’t give ANYTHING to fix him? To make him cooperate and fit in? It was an ugly situation but it made me realize that at least they wanted to help. Only public schools have to keep kids no matter what—so they want to figure it out. The principal went about it the wrong way, but I knew that they’d work with my son and me to improve the situation. 

He had his NP evaluation, and the diagnosis came back as severe ADHD, depression, and anxiety. I was shattered. How did we create these issues in our precious, beloved firstborn? It was hard to accept, but of course, once we had the diagnoses, we had action steps to take. He started an ADHD medication, got a psychiatrist, got on an official IEP through the school (which then put into play the behavior therapy at school and any other intervention he would need). Once the meds kicked in, there was noticeable improvement, but lots and lots of tweaking took place, as we had to go through quite a few different prescriptions to find the right medication, dose, timing of dose, etc. I would say it took about a year for us to find the right Rx pattern. But the rest of his Kindergarten year went lots better. 

First grade was great overall. His teacher rarely reported problems; he just had some handwriting issues and some focus issues, but that’s pretty normal in general, especially amongst boys. But…something seemed off. He cried a lot, his temper was bad, he was starting to name call and get more aggressive with our second son. I talked to his psychiatrist at length, and we finally agreed to start my son on a Rx for anxiety/depression. Of course, that took time to find the right one, the right dose, etc. But he’s been on one for the past three months and he does seem happier. His yearly ARD meetings at the school go so well. The principal calls him a “success story,” a “best case scenario,” and a model student. She praises us for being so involved and proactive. I guess they see a lot of kids go through the system with no help or interventions or parental involvement whatsoever. 

Nothing is cured, nothing is guaranteed, this is just the beginning. We expect he’ll be on ADHD meds for quite a long time. I’m hoping he’ll be on the anti-anxiety med for a much shorter time, but who knows? I just want him to be well-adjusted and happy. To be confident and not feel held back by his emotions. 

What kills me, as his mother, is that I know he is so smart, so handsome, so athletic, so GIFTED, so amazing, and he has these behavioral issues that have affected his confidence. I hate that it was so hard to pinpoint for such a long time, but what was I supposed to do? He is our firstborn; we had no idea what was “normal.”

I will say that having our second born was very eye-opening; he is so, so much easier and I guess what you would call “normal” or “neuro-typical”. But we didn’t have that perspective/hindsight while my firstborn was young. Probably the best thing about the 17-month age gap is that my second son adores my first son, and they are very best friends. My second boy will always take up for my firstborn. Our last baby, our daughter, only has eyes for my firstborn. I’m so, so glad they are close. All three of them seem to live for the other two; they don’t see issues or behavioral issues or problems. They only see each other and stick together, and for that, I’m so grateful. Whatever the future holds, I know that the three of them will lift each other up. I’m there to make sure they are given the best opportunities for success.

Do any of you moms have kids with multiple behavioral diagnoses? I would love to hear more tips or advice.