I don’t know why, but I felt compelled to write about this experience and I did so in a letter to the baby I recently miscarried. My intention is not to receive sympathy, but rather to encourage and pray for other moms out there who are experiencing or have experienced something similar to vocalize what they are feeling and know that…
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
This is my story.
When I first found out that we were expecting a second child, I was shaking with excitement and determining the best way to let your daddy know. The moment I got the positive pregnancy test, I was already in love with you and who you would become. We were ecstatic! About two weeks went by and we had shared the news with our families and closest friends through the most adorable handmade Thanksgiving cards; although “they” usually say to wait, we just couldn’t hold it in. We were so excited and everyone was overwhelmed with joy and love for you already. Luc was going to be a big brother! Another baby, WOW!!
Life was great and my heart was oh so happy, until it wasn’t anymore.
Tuesday, November 29, 2016. I will never forget the most devastating experience of my life, thus far. I had a feeling of what was happening the night before and throughout that morning, but it wasn’t until 1pm when my doctor confirmed that we had lost you, that it all sunk in. I was numb. I was full of sadness and my heart was broken.
I had known about you for 17 days, but boy (or girl) did I love you. I loved you from the moment I saw those two pink links on the stick. I know 17 days is not that long at all, but I thought so hard about you. What would you look like? What kind of baby would you be? What would you accomplish in this world? Would you be a boy that would melt my heart and become best friends with Luc or would you be the baby girl that I have dreamed about and always be protected by your daddy and your older brother? What kind of joy would you bring to our family? Now, I’ll never know.
To my dear precious baby, what I wouldn’t give to be able to STILL be carrying you today. What I wouldn’t give to have the opportunity to meet you in July. What I wouldn’t give to not have gone through the tragedy or losing you.
I am sorry baby. I am sorry that I never got to see or hear your heartbeat. I am sorry that I will never get to hold you and kiss you and nurse you and comfort you. I am sorry that you will never get to meet your amazing daddy. I am sorry you will never get to play with your big brother, Luc. He would have loved you. I am sorry I could not hold on to you longer. I am sorry that I will never get to know you in this lifetime.
You are so innocent and pure and I pray that in this very moment, Jesus has his amazing, comforting arms around you, embracing you with his love. I pray that God will show you more love than I could ever give or imagine. I pray that he will protect you from suffering and I pray that you will only know happiness, peace, and love. You are perfect and you would have been amazing on this earth. Until we meet again, in Heaven (for the first time).
I want you to know that even though time has passed and life moves on, I am thankful for you. I will never stop thinking about you. I will never stop loving you, and I will NEVER EVER forget you.
Love forever and ever,
Mama
