We’re excited to partner with writer Amy Roth, age 28, as she documents her thoughts and emotions throughout her first pregnancy as an expectant “Millennial” mom. This is her third post in the series. Read her first trimester post and her second trimester post.
Thanks for following along on my pregnancy journey! I sit here writing this reflection of my third trimester, in our finally completed nursery, the day before my due date, and I can’t help but feel like I’ve been pregnant my entire life. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to eat spicy foods whenever I want, and I can’t remember the last time I got up from my couch or bed without grunting like a small pig, but there is one thing I’ve not forgotten: red wine. Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife, because I am COMING for that red wine.
Braxton Hicks contractions have made my belly as hard as a bowling ball, and just as round. Heartburn, which I never had pre-pregnancy, has left me whimpering in pain and convinced I was going into pre-term labor, until I finally started a Zantac regimen. The exhaustion of the first trimester has returned, full force, although to be honest, I napped my way through the second trimester as well. I have the best intentions to clean the house, but then I somehow end up asleep on the couch for two hours.
The third, and for many, hardest trimester has felt very real. For a planner like me, it has been very satisfying because I’m finally able to cross things off my to-do list, like installing the car seat, pre-registering at the hospital, and packing hospital bags (all five of them). Touring the hospital where I plan to give birth was also a huge step in the preparation process, and it turned out to be simultaneously reassuring and distressing. The nursing staff and unit manager were all great, but at the end of the day, it’s still a hospital, a place where I have blessedly not had to spend much time. It’s sterile. It’s intimidating. It’s very serious.
These final preparations and the discomfort of growing bigger by the day have been eclipsed by the overarching theme of my third trimester, though: fear. I have always been terrified of giving birth, and when I got married at a young age, I took solace in the fact that I still had several years until I had to get pregnant and have a baby. Combine this natural fear with frightful mommy blogs and listicle posts on women’s websites about just how difficult and ugly and raw motherhood can be, and you could say I’ve not been the absolute most enthusiastic mother-to-be. The thought of becoming a mom has always felt so outside my wheelhouse. Who is actually going to trust this millennial to take care of a baby?!
I’ve always been so me-focused (typical millennial, I know) that I hadn’t taken the time to consider just how detrimental this kind of inwardness can be. Only thinking of yourself and what you desire to gain and achieve would surely feel very hollow after awhile. In my opinion, there is almost nothing more depressing than choosing to be the center of your own world. This journey has taught me that it is important that I give up my selfishness and my drive to feel like I’m in control. I’m certain this little baby will be a daily reminder that I am, in fact, not. I deeply understand the urge to create a birth plan, as it would seem to help us scared mamas feel even slightly more in control than we are, but I have tried to lean more into trusting God with the unknowable future.
I’ve felt slight changes taking place as I near my due date. I no longer cringe when I hear a baby crying in a public place, but instead my heart melts with empathy for the parents doing their best to keep baby calm. When I hold babies, I no longer feel uncomfortable, but instead, I hold them tight and can’t stop smelling and kissing them. Most importantly, I’ve let a lot of the fear melt away and have allowed a sense of hopeful anticipation to take its place. It’s easy to do when you can embrace the fact that you never were actually in control in the first place.
Keep your eyes peeled for a postpartum update as I transition from third trimester prego to mama!
