This post is part of a larger series on financial health and wellness. Be sure to check out all of our content throughout the week and save it for future reference!
It was the way he made me laugh that won me over. He could easily flash a smile so genuine, so inviting, it would put total strangers at ease. He was the life of the party. Always goofing off. A fun-loving jokester.
So, it was natural to think my husband was playing a trick on me when, on the icy cold night of December 7, 2005, I was jolted awake by what I thought were the sounds of him snoring. When the usual nudges to get him to stop failed, I assumed he was joking around and told him to cut it out. He didn’t respond.
“Kevin, this isn’t funny! If you don’t answer me, I’m going to call 911!”
He didn’t answer.
Life in the ‘Burbs
When Kevin and I got married, it was a package deal. Our (totally cute!) love story began long distance and ended with my three-year-old daughter and I moving across the country to start a new life in the Dallas area. The three of us quickly and easily embarked on the stereotypical path to a suburban family. I transitioned to being a stay-at-home mom after our son was born. We adjusted to living on one income while raising our family, fixing up and furnishing the house, and purchasing an SUV to fit our growing brood.
With the unexpected arrival of kid #3, things got real. That same year, Kevin landed a VP position with his company that was going to accomplish our two biggest goals at the time: 1) Move us back to the East Coast, and 2) Achieve the salary level of living “comfortably” enough that we’d have the “extra” in the budget we needed to start the kids’ college funds and get life insurance.
We set up a meeting with a good friend and financial advisor to move us forward and decided on a $500K life insurance policy that would mean, as Kevin put it, “You won’t have to work, and the kids’ college will be taken care of if anything ever happens to me.”
A few weeks later, my life changed forever…
It was just 20 minutes after we’d gone to bed. He was 37. Perfectly healthy. An avid backpacker. Active. Full of life. There was no indication this was coming. Yet in one terrifying instant, I became a widow and a single mom of three young kids left with no answers, no life insurance, and a box full of ashes.
The night my husband died, our friend who had helped us put together our life insurance policy was one of the first people to arrive at my house to help prepare for an unimaginable future. He came out of Kevin’s office with the life insurance paperwork in his hands and tears in his eyes.
“You didn’t sign it?”
We were waiting for his promotion paperwork to go through. And it did, the day after Kevin died. I still have the unopened package.
4 Pieces of Financial Advice for Couples
Share Everything
Share all the passwords. Know the location of all the essential paperwork (preferably in a fireproof safe). There’s nothing more agonizing than needing to ask your spouse where to find something, or what the account number is, or how to access something when they. just. can’t. help. you.
Have Joint Account Access
When we got married, we merged everything into one bank (we love USAA!), but somehow I was only an authorized user, which, as it turns out, is different from a joint account holder. I have no idea how this happened. Did we even know to ask? Who informs us about these things?
Because we weren’t joint users of our joint account, I couldn’t access any bank accounts after he died. To get access, I needed a copy of his death certificate. But because he died at home, it would be months before I’d get documentation of Kevin’s death, which means it would be months before I’d be able to access our accounts.
Make a Will
Dying without a will causes a big mess for the loved ones you leave behind. It involves lawyers, probate, and piles of paperwork that no one feels like dealing with when they’re in the midst of a traumatic loss. I didn’t want to deal with all that paperwork. I wanted to grieve the loss of my husband.
Get Life Insurance.
Trust me. You can’t afford NOT to.
So how did we get through?
Well, that’s a whole other story for another time…but, in short, it takes a village. We’ve been blessed beyond belief with the benevolence of friends, coworkers, and neighbors. In the rebuilding process, I’ve become an expert at budgeting and developed the “know-how” to make good with what I have. My kids have never lacked a thing.
Now safely on the “other side” of my worst nightmare coming true, I never pass up an opportunity to share financial advice for widows, and what I learned with others so no one has to go through what I did. After all, sharing our experiences—even our biggest mistakes and failures—is more than just a way to teach through lessons learned, it’s also the only true way to build connections and community with our collective strength, and most important of all…hope.
First off. I’m so sorry for your loss. You are so strong for sharing your story and giving these lessons to others. I just filled out, today, the joint owner account on our emergency fund and sinking fund savings account. I hadn’t thought about it just being in my name with navy federal until this week. Also, we got term life insurance two years ago at the same time as we got a will made up. While it sucks talking about those things, it’s nice to have peace that we are prepared.
Kara, you are such an inspiration for your own willingness to be vulnerable and share your financial journey and give others of us a forum to share ours, too. Thank you for taking the lead on this impactful series, and for your kind support. 🙂
I’m so so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story to help others.
Thank you, Jane, that means a lot to me. 🙂
I’m so sorry for your loss. You are such a strong woman for being able to share your story. These are all things I haven’t even thought about and going to look into. Thanks for the advice!
Thank you for the encouragement, Mariah! I’m glad my story made a positive impact. 🙂
This is heartbreaking and I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story because it is important information many should read and incorporate into their lives. Nothing is guaranteed so makes plans. Sending love and gratitude to everyone who is willing to share their life with strangers. You are amazing. Thank you!
Thank you, Maria! You’re right, sharing my story so publicly is not easy, but it if makes a difference for others then it’s SO WORTH IT! 🙂
I have been putting off life insurance for 8 years—now I’m convinced it’s worthwhile. I appreciate you sharing even in the midst of a tragedy. Thank you.
Thank YOU, Morgan! Responses like this are very encouraging. All the best to you!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your strength is so inspiring. I appreciate your candor re: what to do now. My husband and I really need to complete a few more of those things on your list.
Thank you for the kind comment, Tara! I’m so glad to hear that you and your husband are on a good track 🙂
So very sorry for your loss 😔. My BIL is an insurance agent and at a time when we truly couldn’t afford it, he helped us set up life insurance because he knew the importance of it. We are now in a season of life where we can not only afford it, but we also see the importance of it. The sudden loss of my FIL was truly eye opening and helped us to understand the value of life insurance. Seeing your story will hopefully encourage others to see the importance. Thanks for sharing!
Wow, Amy, what wise BIL you have! I’m sorry for your loss, also, and appreciate your kind support.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry for your loss. As a person who is about to get married, this is really great advice and we still have work to do. This is so helpful. Thank you!
So sorry for you loss. I can’t imagine how many people experience this. I’ve spoken with coworkers and they opted out of work’s life insurance. I opted in. We never know when or how we will go. It could happen any time. Sending you love and light. Hope others make a plan for the unexpected.
Oh my goodness, Sarah, this makes my heart SO HAPPY! Congratulations on your upcoming marriage and all the best to you both!!