*Consciously Coupled* explores everything relationships from local moms AND a licensed couples counselor. We’re discussing couples therapy, the pros and cons of relationship books, tips on navigating cross-cultural relationships, how to find time alone as a couple, and MUCH MORE! See the entire series here.
Getting married young has a lot of stigma surrounding it. People will tell you, “You’re too young,” “It’s like leaving the party at 8,” or my personal favorite, “When’s the baby due?” I thought I was immune to all of these lies until I started to believe them and tell myself the same ones.
Over the last five-and-a-half years, my husband and I have learned so much about ourselves as individuals and as a couple. We have been through a lot of counseling both individually and as a couple, and I can now say without a doubt that marriage counseling saved my young marriage from ending in the first few years.
When the Marital Conflicts Began
My husband and I got married when I was 20 and he was 22, I thought everything would be perfect and that my life was perfect now that I was married and starting my own life with my husband. Spoiler alert: I was wrong. I can still vividly remember our first real fight as a married couple after nearly two months of marriage. Colton was in law school in Wyoming where I had just joined him. A lot of people were telling us the statistics of surviving law school as a married couple, which are not the best.
I had moved from Plano to a small town in Wyoming where I knew no one other than my new husband; it was cold all the time and snowed a lot—something a Texas gal was not used to! All the tension built to a crescendo that resulted in us both crying on the living room floor of our apartment.
We knew we needed help. We turned to the counselor who we’d used for premarital counseling for help. She began the journey of counseling with us then and it is one we have been on since, for over five years. We are doing a type of therapy called “Emotionally Focused Therapy” which was pioneered by Dr. Sue Johnson. This type of therapy goes so much deeper than you both arguing in a therapist’s office while he or she moderates. It helps get to the underlying issues of fights and helps you to understand things that you do that (intentionally or unintentionally) trigger your spouse. EFT counseling saved my young marriage.
Emotionally Focused Therapy: The Process
We learned how to map what she calls “our cycle.” This is essentially an infinity symbol. The things that you do to upset each other are at the top, the things you do to react are where the lines intersect, and the bottom is what feelings are underneath that are triggered. This is an extremely short and not-at-all-complex explanation of what happens in our therapy sessions.
Where We Are Now
Now when my husband and I start to feel an argument or fight coming on, we know that we need to “slow our cycle down.” This helps us walk through what is really going on and how it makes each other feel. This is a constant process and one that has taken us over five years to get to the point we are at now, which is far from perfect. But this type of therapy has truly helped to save our marriage. We can openly discuss the big feelings without the fighting that so often goes before those conversations.
Please don’t get me wrong, we still argue plenty. My husband is an attorney and I was a debater all through high school and most of college, so this is a hobby of ours. But it’s different now. We have hope that not everything will fall apart if we argue. We don’t always feel like we have to bury our feelings, which is great!
When people ask how long we plan to stay in marriage counseling, we both answer, “Forever.” As long as there is a marriage, there is room for improvement. If you and your spouse struggle or even if you don’t, I highly recommend seeing a marriage or couples counselor. You will probably both be surprised at how much it will help you both as individuals and as a couple. Without a doubt, marriage counseling saved my young marriage.
Have you tried couples counseling? What worked/didn’t work for your relationship?
