The Beginning
December 26, 2013, is a day I will never forget. My parents gathered my brothers and me and had a conversation with us that we all knew was coming: they were separating. It had been building for months. It made perfect sense. The reasons my mom asked my dad to leave were and still are completely justifiable, but still it was difficult. We didn’t realize then that the day before would be the last Christmas we would ever spend together as a family of five.
My mom warned me that she would be asking my dad to leave about a week-and-a-half before Christmas. I accepted that information and continued on with my life as if there was nothing out of the ordinary. I was halfway through my freshman year of college and was more interested in that life. It was far removed from my home and the pain was right in front of me.
On Christmas Eve, I even went on a date and met my family at church for the Christmas Eve service that evening. Christmas morning proceeded like any other “normal” Christmas had my entire life; stockings first, opening presents, Christmas breakfast, and my grandmother coming over for the rest of the day. We left for my uncle’s house around noon and spent the majority of the day there playing games, eating, making small talk, etc. Then we loaded up in our red minivan and went home. I knew what was coming the whole day and yet I could not accept that it was strange and surreal.
After their conversation with us, my dad left and went to live in a hotel for a couple of weeks before it became obvious that their separation would not end.
The After
This year will be the seventh anniversary of their separation which eventually lead to their divorce. December 26 has not gotten easier. To make that week a little more stressful, my husband and I decided December 27 would be a good day to get married. While I love celebrating our anniversary, it is still a really difficult week. Our wedding did not make matters worse; divorced parents and a wedding are hard to mix, couple that with an already extremely stressful in-law relationship, and our anniversary also brings up a lot of negative emotions.
I knew 2013 would be our last Christmas, but I guess I still held on to that hope that maybe it wouldn’t be. No matter how old you are, I think it is safe to say it’s hard when your parents get divorced.
Since that Christmas, I have gotten married, had children, and spent Christmases away from my family. To this day, I have not spent another Christmas with my dad. We don’t try to split the holidays; it’s just too difficult and too painful. Truth be told, I don’t have much of a relationship with my father anymore. I haven’t seen him in nearly a year-and-a-half in which time I have had another baby.
The Now
My husband and I have had to navigate the holidays with our children not having two grandparents on my side. To say it has been difficult is an understatement. It has been easier for me to write off my pain and just not deal with it. But honestly, it sucks. Not having both of your parents together at any point is hard, and not having them together on the holidays when you have children seems even harder.
I do not have the answers for navigating the holidays with divorced parents. This isn’t a post giving you tips on how to do so, though I think there are plenty of wonderful posts on the topic out there. I have not dealt with my parent’s separation in the best way. I have still not processed the fact that I knew what was coming on our last Christmas. During the holidays we all try to slap on a happy face and deal with it, make it magical for our kids, get through the shopping, the parties (pre 2020), and the holiday baking. But many of us have something that Christmas brings up for us that isn’t easy. For me it is not having my parents together and the anniversary of their separation.
If you are going through something similar, I want you to know you are not alone. If you haven’t fully processed your pain, I get it and I haven’t either. There is not much advice I can offer to you. Please know there are others out there in pain, too, and we will all get through this together.
