Welcome to the next post in our new series, Birth Stories. We’ll post a new birth story each Monday throughout August and September. Be sure to check back each week for a new story!
I recently had my fourth baby. It was my most enjoyable birth experience, and my fastest and easiest recovery yet. I’ve been through four births so I know that a good portion of that is luck; nonetheless, I was grateful to round out my child-birthing days with such a positive experience.
I believe that the mental, physical, and emotional success of my fourth birth hinged on the lessons I learned from each of my previous births. One of the most significant lessons I learned from all of my birth experiences is that it’s is an individual and unique experience for each mother. One way is not the right way for each mother. The birth experience I chose for my third and fourth births (elective induction and epidural from almost the first contraction) is not the most-heralded experience, but for me, it brought peace of mind and a positive start to my postpartum experience.
Lesson #1: Accept Help
To this day, the most important lesson I learned from my first birth is to always accept the help. I had my first baby at 22. I always knew I wanted to be a mother and we planned to have our babies fairly early on in our marriage. Perhaps it was my young age or simply being naïve to what could happen when it came to birth experiences, but I was completely surprised to not only have my first baby 3 ½ weeks early, but also to have her need a seven-day hospital stay. While I know that is a small amount of time compared to some, for me it was completely unexpected. Still, I was (and still am) a pretty fiercely independent person and felt I could probably handle this situation on my own. Besides my husband and my mom, I didn’t really accept help from anyone. I ignored phone calls from friends looking to help during my daughter’s hospital stay. My memories of that postpartum time are of mostly loneliness and uncertainty.
Fast forward three years later, as I neared the birth of my second child. I remembered that experience and how lonely and isolated I felt in the weeks following my daughter’s birth, and resolved to accept the help that was offered me. Much like my first birth, my second birth threw me a curveball. A quick three-hour labor and delivery meant I didn’t get my much-anticipated epidural. To this day, my only true memories of my fast and furious labor was the nurse trying to get me to sign papers between contractions and the highlighted paper schedule my baby’s nurse kept of how often he ate. A family friend offered to bring us dinner the day we came home from the hospital and told us to choose whatever restaurant we wanted and he would bring us the meal. A weight was lifted when I accepted this help and I still remember that meal and what it meant to me.
That lesson stayed with me through my third and fourth birth experiences. If someone offered help, I accepted it and I know that made all the difference. My tips:
- Accept the meals.
- Let people clean your house and dry and fold your laundry if your dryer breaks the day you come home from the hospital (does that sound like I’m speaking from experience?).
- Take people up on offers to watch your other child/children.
Lesson #2: Practice self-care.
Self-care seems to be a hot topic these days and I believe it is vital to a mother’s well-being during pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum.
It’s safe to say I learned so much during my first and second birth experiences. It seems silly, but one of the most important takeaways for me was that you could, in fact, wear your own clothes after you delivered. For my third and fourth babies, I brought a change of clothes for recovery in the hospital. I felt like a NEW WOMAN. In my birth experiences, self-care not only meant physical, but also mental and emotional self-care, as well.
Here are three things I did to practice self-care in my subsequent birth experiences:
- Had my house and carpets cleaned.
- Stayed the full two days in the hospital (an extra day to have others take care of you never hurts).
- Had my husband stay at the hospital with me both nights (with my second birth, I told him to go home to take care of our daughter for one night, and being alone made me so anxious).
Lesson #3: Do what’s best for you and own it.
As I mentioned before, my second birth experience was fast and furious and painful. I know that childbirth is painful, but I am also grateful to live in a time where it doesn’t necessarily have to be. As my third birth approached, I really thought about what would be the best birth experience for me. I came to the conclusion that I needed to be in as much control as I could. I had anxiety about going into labor and not being in control of my body due to the speed at which my labors seemed to happen. So going into my last two childbirth experiences, I made two choices.
Labor & Delivery. I decided that I wanted to be induced. No, I needed to, for my own well-being. I talked it over with my doctor and we set an induction date. I had so much peace of mind knowing that there was an end date and I would have plenty of time to get an epidural. All that being said, I was fully aware that anything could happen, but just the fact that a plan was in place made me calm and feel in control. Fortunately, my third and fourth births went according to plan and I was induced and got my epidural each time.
Feeding. Another somewhat touchy subject, I have always felt out of place in discussions on feeding my babies. I felt guilty to admit that I do not like breastfeeding. I felt weak saying that it gave me anxiety to think about breastfeeding once I had more than one child. The uncertainty and unpredictability and consuming nature of breastfeeding left me feeling overwhelmed. With each child, my time spent breastfeeding decreased. Six months, four Months, three months, and with this last baby, one month.
The difference with my fourth baby is this time I owned my feelings. I accepted that those were legitimate feelings and I went into my postpartum experience with zero expectations to force myself to keep breastfeeding if I began to feel anxiety and overwhelm. My husband had paternity leave for a month after, and so I easily nursed my son with the extra help. However, I knew once he went back to work, things would change dramatically. One week into my new life as a mom of four, who spent all her time with them during the day, I knew that I could not continue breastfeeding and feel my best self and best mother to my other children. So I stopped and we went to 100% formula by the time my baby was two months old. I have never looked back and feel confident and happy with my decision. Is that the same experience for everyone? No. Do others love breastfeeding and mourn the day that it’s over? Yes, and I respect and admire them for that accomplishment!
Lesson #4: Your new life is not your old life.
I remember reading somewhere that one way to help yourself navigate and manage a major change in your life (like childbirth) was to not attempt to make your new life like your old life. Don’t expect things to go back to the “normal” they were before. Realize that now you have a new life and work to learn what that means for you.
My four birth experiences were each unique in their own way and taught me incredible lessons that have stayed with me. These four lessons are ones I would share with any new or seasoned mom as they navigate both childbirth and motherhood.
