My husband and I have been married for more than a decade. When we were dating, the subject of culture came up a lot. He’s Black; I’m a second-generation Filipino-American. I was raised Catholic; he comes from a Baptist upbringing. I’m from California; he’s from the south. I lived in one house most of my life; he was an army brat who moved regularly.
We had a lot of cultural differences — to say the least.
Differences in culture can run the gamut of interpretations. It can include your ethnicity, nationality, religion, geographical location, education, age, and/or socio-economic factors.
When you come together in a relationship, it’s important to take each other’s cultures into consideration. It definitely makes life a lot more interesting! Here are five tips for navigating cultural differences in relationships.
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1. Lead with Curiosity About Cultural Differences
When you come from two (or more) different cultures, it’s important to explore and learn more about them. Curiosity regarding each other’s cultures can go a long way.
It can be as simple as talking to each other about your childhood and holiday traditions. What traditions were significant when you were a child? What are the traditions that you want to carry on into your family together?
It’s asking questions about things that you’ve wondered about but maybe have never asked. It’s participating in family events and asking for the rundown so that you know what to expect.
You don’t have to become an expert in each other’s cultures. It’s great to simply develop a love and appreciation for where you each come from, whether that’s a large Irish family or a small close-knit Korean family.
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2. Make an Effort to Learn About Each Other’s Cultures
Along the same vein, make an effort to celebrate each other’s cultures. Show each other that you care by trying to make a traditional meal (even if it flops!), learn some phrases in your partner’s native tongue, or pick up a book to learn more.
On our first New Year’s Day as a married couple, I made an effort to cook collard greens, black-eyed peas, and rice, as was tradition in my husband’s family. I don’t know how well they turned out that first year, but I tried!
When a new Filipino restaurant opened nearby, my husband planned a date night for us to try it. He wasn’t familiar with the food, but he was willing to try, and I loved that he made the effort.
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3. Incorporate Cultural Traditions
This might look like traditions for how you pray, celebrate, or entertain.
When my husband and I got married, we decided how we would incorporate our cultures into the ceremony. I was raised Catholic, so we got married in a Catholic church. My husband was raised Baptist, so we didn’t have a full mass. We did have the traditional Filipino custom of the cord, veil, and coins. At the end of the ceremony, we jumped the broom.
Before kids, we talked about names and decided that we’d give them “C” names, since both of our names start with the letter C. It was also a subtle nod to a Filipino tradition of naming your kids with the same first initial. When our kids were born, we followed a common Filipino naming convention of including my maiden name in the child’s full official name.
4. Be Flexible & Release Expectations
As humans, we have a natural tendency to expect things to go according to our own expectations. We may expect to celebrate holidays a certain way, clean the house on a particular day, or assume specific household roles. However, when you blend two different cultures together, it’s important to clear your expectations and set some new ones together.
You may have “always” celebrated an occasion a certain way. But now that you’re married or have children, it’s important to take your partner’s thoughts and feelings into consideration. Be open to creating new “rules” for your family.
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Teach your kids how your family takes off shoes before entering a home, changes out of school clothes into play clothes when arriving at home, or how you eat rice with most meals.
For example, growing up in California, using “sir” and “ma’am” was not part of the vernacular. My husband, on the other hand, grew up in the south and ALWAYS said “sir” and “ma’am,” as signs of respect. I’ve conceded that our children will learn to say “sir” and “ma’am,” especially as they are growing up in Texas.
5. Create Your Own Cultural Traditions
This is probably the most fun part of being in a cross-cultural relationship. You make the rules and you create the traditions!
In our family, we celebrate Loving Day on June 12, which is the anniversary of a historic Supreme Court case that legalized interracial marriage. June 12 also happens to be Philippine Independence Day, when the Philippines was declared independent from Spain.
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I think it’s important to incorporate your cultures into your family to pass down to the next generation. I definitely want my kids to know about Juneteenth, what “jumping the broom” is, learn Tagalog words and phrases, and know where they come from.
At the end of the day, it’s all about empathy and appreciating each other for who we are, and teaching our children to do the same.
